This is my very first experience blogging, and I have to be honest--never thought I would be doing this. What made me make the decision to start? I just had an incredible experience with the Lord, and if there is just ONE life I can touch out there through sharing my experiences and encounters with Jesus, this will be well worth it. Plus, I'm getting major writers cramp just journaling...
This morning, I felt the Lord gently nudging me in my spirit to spend some time with Him. It wasn't in a "religious" sense (you HAVE to pray, or else!), but I felt Him saying He wanted to spend time with me Daddy to daughter. I have a lot on my to-do list today, so I almost didn't listen, but I decided to obey, turned on worship music, curled up on the couch under my favorite blanket and started worshiping (singing along with the CD I put on). I felt the need to lay down and be at peace as I worshiped, so I did. Just then the song started saying "my soul needs you, my soul breathes you". All of the sudden something welled up inside of me and I started crying uncontrollably, crying out to the Lord how much I know I need Him and asking Him to never leave me alone. I continued crying, and I literally felt like the very depths of my soul were being cleansed. It was almost painful--I felt like deep hurts, worries and torments were literally being pulled out and replaced with the unconditional love of God. I stopped crying after a few minutes and sat up to get some tissues.
When I sat down again, another beautiful song about God's love started playing and I started crying all over again. This time I was literally curled up on the couch clutching my stomach in an actual physical pain, and the process started again. A deep, deep cleansing from old wounds and hurts. I felt like the emotional pain I was being cleansed from was being felt physically too. I had to bury my head in the couch to keep from sobbing too loudly. When I finally calmed down, I opened a book called "God's Promises For Your Every Need", which categorizes scripture in a table of contents to look up based on your need. I looked on the inside cover and saw a note written from my Father-in-law saying that he loves me and my husband very much, and to enjoy the book. I started crying all over again and was overwhelmed by such a powerful feeling of a Fatherly love, there are no words to describe it. I heard myself start saying 'God you really do love me, You have always been with me, and You'll never leave or forsake me because You said this in your Word.' I felt the Lord answer back in my heart, "You are so very precious to me, you are my precious treasure." It actually felt like I was being held and hugged, comforted as a cried, much like a parent would to their child. I then opened to a scripture in the book that I know God directed me to: "The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: 'Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." (Jeremiah 31:3). I sat there for about 15 minutes, overwhelmed by this tangible, loving presence that was literally wiping and driving away every hurt, fear, concern and worry I had been carrying with me. All those areas that were cleaned out of the old junk were being replaced with a new, pure love.
I want to share this next part, not for sympathy or to be judging anyone, but to show why this encounter with God was so poignant. I was abused for a good number of years growing up--physically, emotionally and verbally. Over the years, it evolved to the point where my very purpose in life became to please and outperform everyone around me so no one could find any fault or condemnation in me, therefore I would never feel that rejection and abandonment ever again. I also looked to other people as my "God". I found all my comfort in hearing an encouraging word from someone. I found little comfort in spending my own time with God, afraid that if I did He would point out everything that was wrong with me. In my own pain, I had linked Him to the rejection and abandonment I felt from others in the past. If someone I loved hurt me, I equated that with God hurting and rejecting me, and it sent me into an emotional tailspin. I would often wonder where I could go where there was no hurt and rejection. I was desperate for a "safe place". I was absolutely desperate to "fit in" somewhere, and for someone to constantly point out that I was worthy of being loved. If I ever hurt anyone else, I would panic, wishing I could have a "do-over", desperately hoping that I would never ever cause anyone the pain I had been caused because I couldn't bear to live with it.
There is nothing wrong with seeking an encouraging word or leaning on each other for help (Jesus encourages this in the scriptures), but when this is the main thing you seek after, priorities are out of order. Jesus was the only perfect person who has or ever will walk the Earth, and it says that He was a man of many sorrows (He understands our pain!!). I wanted to share this to show you my brokenness and to show what God's love did for me unassumingly on a Saturday morning. I have encouraged people and shared scriptures of God's love with others practically my whole life. I have prayed and ministered to others, actually FEELING and truly believing the love that God had for them as I was praying. Here's the catch--I had no doubt that God loved OTHERS unconditionally, but I truly believed that His love for me was conditional. I needed the revelation on my own. Writing it out, this seems so unbelievable, but this is truly the way I have lived my entire life. For the first time, I'm seeing this clearly.
There is a verse that says "Perfect love casts out all fear..." (1 John 4:18). I've been told this numerous times, and I've always wondered what this actually meant. So God's love can drive away fear, but how? I truly feel my encounter with Him this morning answered my question. Here's my revelation--you'll know how His love drives out all fear when you experience the depths of His love. It makes sense to me now--His love is EVERYTHING. It is the answer to every question, it is the sword that strikes down every care and worry, it is the protecting force over your every day, it is the key to our deliverance from torment, it is the power that breaks down walls and draws us back to Him gently. God knew that I needed this--He knew that I didn't understand because of how I was conditioned growing up, and He knew that I needed His help. Why did I receive this revelation today? I believe because I actually took the time to sit, be still, and choose to spend time with Him FIRST. This was my reward for sitting with my Daddy.
My mind is blown--the Creator of the universe wanted to spend some time with ME this morning so He could love and bless me. Me?!? What have I been missing out on for so long by believing lies??? For years, I've believed that if I went to spend time with God alone, that He eventually see how worthless I really am, and ultimately reject me too. Don't get me wrong--I know that I am worthy and purified only because of the blood of Jesus and what He has done for me, but it says in scripture to come boldly before the throne of God. As His children, we are able to walk up right up to God anytime we want and have a conversation, cry, laugh, sit, sing, dance...whatever we want! I've grown up in church, and spent numerous quiet times with the Lord throughout the years. I've received His love and healing in certain areas, but I believe it was different this time because of three reasons: 1) I acted in obedience to what He was asking, 2) Due to acting in obedience, my heart was open to receive, and 3) This was just me and God. No one else. No other opinions, guidance, or promptings from man--just me and my Heavenly Father.
After what God did for me this morning, I no longer feel like He is far away looking down and waiting for me to mess up (again, unbelievable as I write this, but it is the truth), but now I feel like He is truly in this room with me. I didn't need to ask anyone else their opinion, I didn't need prayer from or agreement from anyone else--I needed to experience this with just me and God. And you know what? He knew this, and He did it. I didn't follow a huge cloud in the sky, weird signs and wonders, or even have a drawn out dream or vision that this was going to happen. This started as a simple quiet time on the couch singing along to a CD. Just as He said, I was drawn not by a discipline or act of religion, but by God's love of just wanting to spend a few moments alone with me.
I want to end with two more verses I was given: "I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy." --Hosea 2:19
"The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me--a prayer to the God of my life." --Psalms 42:8
What God has done for me, He can do infinitely more for you. Take just a few minutes alone--sit with Him, and let Him bless you. No matter what you've gone through or where you're at in life, you are not alone. He is waiting to spend time with just you and Him--you are His precious treasure!
